It was a rough morning here. The youngest is still under the weather and also in the the throws of "I'm going to do what I want to do" tantrums. Our sleepless night full of vomiting was finally catching up with her. Instead of going with us to take her brother to school like usual, I took her upstairs for an early nap while Matt took Jake to school.
Oh, the tears. The overtired drama. The frustrated, worn down part of me wanted to leave her crying in her crib, but a gentle voice somewhere around me nudged, "hold her." So I collected Harper, Minnie Mouse, and a blanket from the crib and settled into the corner rocker. Harper was still determined to get downstairs to take big brother to school. Ever so slowly, she began sliding off my lap an inch at a time. I raised my eyebrows as she maintained eye contact, daring me to stop her. When her feet hit the floor I said, "Stay in here, Harper." She ran for the basket of blankets by the door and threw herself into them. Screaming. Naturally. As I braced myself for a rough afternoon, I silently said, "Lord, please let her sleep."
Within moments she returned to me, asking that I hold her in my arms. She snuggled into my chest and allowed me to cover her with the blanket. As we rocked she slept. As she slept I prayed. Silently. Intensely. I prayed knowing without a doubt that this was a moment where answers would come.
I prayed that someday my children find peace and understanding when they realize their father and I went through hell to protect them from abuse. We went through that hell to better ourselves as parents and human beings. We did it to break the cycle - for everyone's sake. We did it to give our children the best chance possible to grow into healthy adults. But those decisions, prayerfully and therapist led or not, cost them a substantial part of their family. So God, I asked, someday please help them find peace and feel as if your love and our love was enough.
Then, as tears silently crept down my face, I asked that He help me be the woman and mom they need. That He help me be an example of courage, bravery, goodness, and a blessing to those around me. I prayed. And as I prayed answers I had been begging for suddenly came to me. The answers had, of course, been in front of me the months I had been asking. Perhaps I was missing them. Or maybe it's just that the time wasn't right until now. But that does bring us here, to this website. It brings us to its shift.
I've had a few websites before this and they always fizzled. They never felt quite right. Their purpose was apparently for experience and finding my voice. At 30, I finally feel confident in that voice. I know I have stories and experiences to tell. Through many of you, I know you listen and, somehow, find the words important.
Instead of a coaching site, we are moving more towards a lifestyle one. Me, my family, our stories, and God in the middle of it all. In the last few weeks and especially today, it has become clear that He is literally the answer.
I'm honestly not entirely sure where this journey will lead, but I do know the stories within me and the guide ready to put them to use. I know I was given flashes of the future that both excite me and calm any concerns. Even as it felt like my life was collapsing around me, He was gathering the pieces for something so much bigger than what it had been.
There is something powerful here. Something so far beyond me I can only obey. It's humbling. My hope is that you feel it, too and are inclined to stick around to watch it play out.
In love and blessings,