{LOVE Series} Love Yourself

February is a big month for me. It's the month God blessed us with our first child. It's the month Matt and I first said, "I love you" to each other. It's also the month God, in no uncertain terms, told me it was finally time to walk away from my 9-5.

A year down the road, our lives are almost unrecognizable. We are in the same home. My husband unexpectedly changed jobs and I left mine. I was, perhaps, a little too optimistic about how successful the year would be. From a financial standpoint it's been an epic failure. Painfully epic. BUT. I cannot label this year a failure. The personal and familial growth is immense. The number of lives I've been able to touch just by being me is humbling. It's a taste of what's to come if I continue to follow the path God has set for me.

Revelations from the last year keep appearing. One that raised my eyebrows was God acknowledging that no, I was not ready to fulfill the journey He has in mind for me. He intentionally let me loose when I was not yet capable. He also knew there was no way I would have left my 9-5 if I'd known just how hard the transition would be. He needed me to experience growing pains and struggle. He needed me to feel like I have no one in my corner - to feel judgment, ridicule, and outright hostility from those I once trusted. My entire world needed to flip upside down so I can help the women He has called me to help.

Looking back, this year has been about finding myself and stepping into my still developing role as EMM. From helping women grow their personal relationships with God to being a voice that helps pull the defeated from rock bottom, it has been affirmed that I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing. 

There is no doubt that I did not love myself when this journey started. We were still in the middle of sad, painful drama that, unfortunately, was never appropriately resolved. It's hard to resolve something that everyone wants to sweep under the rug while awkwardly ignoring you or stringing together obsolete conversation. I took in every bit of the hatred aimed at me and choked on it. When I looked in the mirror, I saw every nasty word that was said both to me and behind my back. I saw the paranoid scapegoat staring back at me with sad, broken eyes, struggling to release it all. I gained weight, lost it, and then gained more than ever as we tried to find the strength to pick up the shattered pieces, stand on our own, and leave the horror behind.

It was in the midst of walking away that I found the courage to turn inward and to God as I'd never done. I connected with Him in a way I never really imagined possible. Instead of just talking AT God, I became more aware of prayer structure, scripture, and listening for a response. My prayer sessions are often one long conversation where I speak, listen, speak, listen... Lately, it's become a meditation practice. I say what I need to say and then focus on my breath while clearing my mind to listen for guidance.

Your body

Forgive yourself

Rebecca MoggComment